Jun's Alcove

The Price of Softness

I'm not really certain what the result of this ramble is. But I just wanted to take some time to take about being soft in the modern age. And I don't mean it in the context of crime, or a "hard life".

  Hardness and strength are death's companions. Pliancy and weakness are
  expressions of the freshness of being. Because what has hardened will
  never win.

— Stalker, 1979

In this modern world and in life in general, it is so easy to harden. I did very early in life due to lack of trust in my home life, and lack of willingness to open up and be vulnerable around people. But the last couple years has seen me actively work to soften up. And the quote above is not just for show: Stalker by Andrei Tarkovsky is not only my favourite movie of all time, but what made me realize how much I needed to soften myself, and embrace weakness in my life.

Weakness is what allows you to embrace others. Pliancy is what allows you to accomodate those you love. It is the source of what makes life so vibrant and incredible. So solidify and harden is akin to a premature death, but it's luckily a death you can come back from.

I want to live my life as a goblin, randomly gifting those I love random trinkets as it comes into my mind. I want to truly embrace those around me, and release myself and my anxieties to the ether surrounding our planet. I've gotten so much better at it over the years, and it has improved my life greater than any piece of knowledge or individual action.

But unfortunately our modern world isn't very compatible with how I want to be: A merry fae-folk who relishes in the soft beauty of the world and the ones they keep around themself.

The Struggles of Labor

I have worked for long enough, and I've hated it for just as long. I've been rather lucky in my expenditure of labor: I work well paying, salaried positions. I don't have to compromise on my well-being for work or bills, and I can safely exist. But I rarely feel like I can safely live.

The world of labor is such a ragged world of terrible practices and compromising until the absolute minimum is achieved. It pains me to watch the best intentions turn into such an absurd world of mismanagement and inefficencies. "Oh, so you're one of those anti-work people" I can imagine some people decry. But no, I am not "anti-work"—and to be clear, I hold no ill thought towards those "anti-work people" mentioned—But I love working. I love providing a service or product to a person. I love the role of an artisan. Unfortunately for myself, the role of artisan has been destroyed by industrialization, and factories.

I know some people have managed to become artisans, but they are a small world that targets those who explicitly spend extra to get handmade or local goods. As a result it is a very rough industry, as you operate explicitly as a casual luxury vendor. My hatred for certain components of industrialization warrant their own ramble though.

Inter-Personal Struggles

I hold a lot of emotion inside myself. I love my friends and my family dearly, and utterly. It is a fact about myself that has caused me great pain just as much as it has caused pain to others, and as a result I have become more and more careful in expressing myself. But it is also what has made so much of my life so fantastic, and I'm lucky to have such an incredible group of friends.

It is this reality of inter-personal relationships that makes it so difficult to embody what I want to be. Hurting those I care about due to a lack of control of my own actions is my greatest, most intense fear. But I need to balance that with my deep desire to express my love and care for those around me. Over these last few years I restricted myself so extremely due to past trauma, and I've been truly miserable as a result. But as I leave this cocoon I've fabricated for myself, I still need to be mindful and aware of how I act. Part of loving those around you is understanding how they want to be treated, and not expressing yourself blindly. But you also have to let them tell you how they want to be treated, and don't cocoon yourself to avoid the problem entirely.

To a neurotypical person I'm sure this sounds obvious, but let me tell you it hasn't been for me. All I truly wish is that I had learned these things earlier.

Regardless of Cost, it is Worth it

I hope this unhinged ramble has helped whoever read this, at all. I know it has helped me by writing it. At the end of the day, I cannot truly embody the fire inside myself, as it frankly wouldn't be healthy. But over these last couple months I have found a way to channel that fire, and express it. And it has felt like life has been breathed back into me.

If you struggle with expression like I do, please do express yourself. And if you don't have a group of people you feel comfortable doing that around, I hope you can find that group one day.

The world is bright, colourful, and beautiful. And so are you all of us.

<3